Amelia in one of her happy places.

This is so difficult! After a week of stuffing Amelia with five different medications and force feeding her every 2-4 hours there is no improvement, instead she’s worsened. She’s so weak, still getting up to go to litter box but not making it out of it. She pees herself and then collapses for rest. I grabbed her out and gave her a warm sponge bath this morning.

This decision is killing me, I’ve chosen to discontinue the nasty med routine and let her go, though part of me feels like I’m taking away the only thing that might be extending her life. But for what? She doesn’t seem to be in any pain, so I make a point to spend quality time with her, setting her up next to me on the couch in cozy blankets with her bowl of water in front of her. This seems to comfort her, she lays her head in it and periodically licks some up like one of those bobbing bird things. Last night Murdock came to lay with us in bed, not with her, with me, but this put him right next to her and he purred loudly. I think she liked this, she tried to nudge a bit closer. It was sweet. The waiting game is just as hard, when will she pass? Today, tomorrow? Soon…. The thought of finding her, I so hope it happens with me nearby, as hard as that will be.

For now, I’ll sit here and pet her bony body and talk to her and wipe her chin when she’s had enough water and love her.

The weeks move too quickly. My mom always talked about time moving so fast, all I could think was when will this semester be over already! Now I understand, and it get’s worse every year. These last two weeks have been crazy busy and stressful. Jam packed with homeschooling activities and a beloved kitty that is very ill and under constant care by PFMan and I. To top it off, we’ve been getting the house ready for our House Warming party this coming Saturday. We have just over 100 people who have RSVP’d and the stressing has begun, lol. Another thing my mom always said, still does is “This too shall pass”, and it will. I just wish it didn’t pass so quickly.

I’m always working on trying to stay as present as possible, this is so difficult for me, strong ego always in the way. I’ll keep trucking along. I’d love to know what other do to stay present, slow down time, any suggestions?

Peace!

Times Up!
This has been my Sunday 5 minute Stream of Consciousness.

Want to try it? Here are the rules…

* Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
* Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
* Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
* Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
* Link up your post at all.things.fadra.
* Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Amelia June 2011

I remember going to pick her out. She was one of five kittens that were born to a momma cat that had been brought into The C.A.R.E. Foundation, the Animal Sanctuary I volunteered at in Orlando. I went alone, Michael and I had been married for just two years and this would be our 2nd kitty together. I picked the long haired calico over the tortoise shell. The litter was born on Easter morning 1998 which has always made it easy to remember her birth date.

It took us a while to name her and I remember exactly where we were when the name was chosen. We were camping at Ginny Springs with a group of friends and were sitting around the fire at night throwing name ideas around. One had been Marseilles after the Jimmy Buffet song “Coast of Marseilles”. Then it came to us, “Amelia”. It’s a street in Orlando, the street that Michael and I were on when our relationship took a more serious turn back in June of 1994. That was it, she had a name.

I’m writing this now because she’s turning 14 in April and she’s very sick, so sick she may not make it to her birthday. Those who know me are aware that we have eight kitties, the seniors, Murdock (16), Amelia (these two have been boyfriend/girlfriend for like ever until recently, so sad), Nelson (14 April) & Roswell (14 April) and the newer additions, Jenny (5), Matilda (2) , Carmello (2) and Harry (9mth).

Amelia, along with the other seniors, Laslo, Yoda, and Truffles, made a cross country trip twice with us when we moved to Las Vegas and back in 1999/2000. Amelia has lived in six different homes with us, has been more of a recluse, especially around strangers, but very sweet and affectionate around us. Always the pretty girl, Murdock’s girlfriend. They would sit together for hours, grooming each other, curled into a ball and sleeping together. It’s sad that they’ve parted ways, more on Murdock’s end then Amelia’s. Since she’s been sick she’s tried to snuggle with him and he walks away, it’s sad to watch. He’s been sick too, just not as critical as her. He has a tumor in his liver, but for now he’s a skinny, spunky old man, ha.

Right now Amelia is being force-fed every 4-6 hours and on five different medications. Not sure if it’s cancer or not, definitely some type of internal infection or inflammation around the liver. Fatty liver, loss of appetite, dehydration. Hopeful that this week she’ll improve or we’ll have to make a tough decision. See, I don’t believe in making them live being poked, prodded, stuffing a food syringe and pills in their mouths daily. Just not a quality of life. I can’t have her last days like that. So I’m holding out hope that she’ll turn around this week.

It’ll be a rough couple of years with so many getting so old. We’ve already lost Laslo, May off 2011, one of the brothers (Laslo, Nelson, Yoda and Roswell). Yoda left us years ago.

Hardest part of caring for them and loving them so much.

So far the new year has been jam packed with new and continuing goals around the homestead. I’ve already tackled my first poached egg, (not really a goal, but an added bonus), my first time making home-made pasta too. It was really good and I loved making it. Making ravioli tomorrow filled with Cashel Blue and Mascarpone cheese. Hello!

This weekend we got our butts in the pasture and dug out our fire pit, got some nice flat stones today to build the walls around it. One more trip to the stone house and it should be complete. Smores around the campfire here we come, and at home:-). Not that this will stop us from fleeing to the mountains, no way. Still have that itch. We were just talking about how we need to go ahead and schedule a trip to Black Rock Mountain in Clayton, Ga. Love it there.

The kids got bikes finally and Gavin mastered riding in about half a day and loves it, yay! Addy is really good at crashing so far, but she’s tough and laughs it off. She’s also learning piano now and really loves that.

So, I feel like we 2012 is really off to a good start for us. I hope it is for you too!
Peace!

Times Up!

This has been my Sunday 5 minute Stream of Consciousness.

Want to try it? Here are the rules…

* Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
* Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
* Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
* Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
* Link up your post at all.things.fadra.
* Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Eggs Benedict with Meyer lemon dressing.

One of my goals for 2012 is to cook more at home, with fresh ingredients, using what’s on hand with less waste. I love to cook, I love cookbooks, so this year I’m making it more of a priority. This past weekend our close family friend, Britt, spent the night on New Year’s Day. We had made Grilled Salmon and a Fennel salad with Meyer Lemon Dressing from my new X-mas gift cookbook, Big Sur Bakery Cookbook, (I highly recommend by the way). I was so excited to make this at home. PFMan and I spent a few days in Big Sur in July and fell in love with the Bakery. Though all the food we had in our 9-day trip to Northern California, my absolute favorite meal was the simple salad of fennel, greens, herbs and Meyer lemon dressing at the Bakery! So I’ve been itching to get the cookbook and PFMan didn’t let me down for the holiday!

Anyway, we had plenty of dressing leftover, as well as a French Baguette, some greens and a hunk of ham in the freezer so I whipped up a beautiful new recipe for Eggs Benedict on Monday morning.

Believe it or not, I’d never poached an egg before. So I got on-line, of course, and had that figured out in under five minutes.  I have to say I was very pleased with my first try at poaching.  Anyway, the Benedict went like this. Cut baguette into slices, lay on cookie sheet, brush with olive oil, toast in oven.  We plated four slices per plate as the base of our Benedict. Then we placed the ham, which had been previously cut into thick slices and heated in a skillet, on top of baguette slices and then a dollop of salad greens. Next came the poached egg, a drizzle of Meyer lemon dressing and some chopped fennel tops to garnish.  It was a crowd pleaser.

On a cookbook note, I’m also really enjoying Jamie Oliver’s At Home Cookbook.  It’s about his garden and the recipes inspired from the beautiful bounty that grows there.  Very inspiring to eat healthy, fresh and sustainably.

Salute!

The PFFamily in Key West - May 2011

I was up pretty late last night, four glasses of wine not settling well in my belly. I read, actually finished my current book, A Modern Witch, and then turned to my I-phone for a little research on a couple of things I wish to begin in the new year.

Last year around this time I posted about how I’m really not into making New Year’s Resolutions. I still refuse to put that much pressure on myself, but I do have a laundry list of things I’d like to do, change, see, stop doing, etc.

Before I begin my list for 2012, let’s see how I did in 2011.

Things I will be working on in 2011:

Family – Feel good about this. We moved to the country and began homeschooling, lot’s of family time.
Travel – Good here too. We began our yearly family trip overseas with Ireland in March, road trip over the summer along with nine days in N. California with PFMan celebrating an early 15 year anniversary. We took two cruises with a highlight on one out of San Juan, taking us to Curacao, Dominica & Aruba. To round it out, we also took a couple of much needed camping trips, one to North Georgia, one to Ginnie Springs in North Florida. Ahhhh….
Positive energy & intentions – This a failed miserably, well not entirely because I still have intent and know my triggers to self destruction.
Eating clean -Did well for a few months only. I did really well with giving up coffee and drinking more tea. Got to August then crashed. Have to reboot this one.
Organization – This will be a never ending battle, lol.

So what about 2012?

There are many personal accomplishments I would like to achieve this year. In the kitchen I want to learn how to make Thai and Indian food, get better at meal/menu planning and stocking the kitchen, learn to make bread, start canning regularly, shop at farmer’s markets and from local ranches and farms more often and consistently. This year is the year to get the chicken coop and run built, I’d like to have 3-5 egg layers:-). Also, get the hydroponic garden started and plant the Meyer lemon trees. We’re thinking things like, sweet potatoes, lettuce, strawberries, green beans, tomatoes, cucumbers and herbs at least. Going along with natural/sustainable trend we need to get the compost reinstated too!

Other Personal plans: Begin yoga and stick with it, it WILL be tough for me but I must prevail. Part of the Self-help, positive energy & intentions theme. Thinking about Tai Chi as well. Michael and I will get bikes, the kids are just getting them on New Years Eve (we’re celebrating our family Christmas when we return from NY).

In the house we need to get the great room painted and focus on the meditation garden off the master bedroom and Asian decor in the master bedroom/bathroom. I need to get the studio organized too, both the Tails Collection shooting/office areas, as well as organizing the arts/crafts area for Addy and I. There is so much space to work with, so I will most certainly get a bit overwhelmed, ha.

Travel plans! To start off the year and celebrate my 40th b-day, I’m heading to Big Sur for three nights! Doing a hike-in and staying ALONE, to reflect and get centered, hopefully, ha:-). Then driving north to meet my girlfriends for some time in wine country. The kids and I have a 6-8 week road trip planned for the June/July. Heading back to Big Sur, taking 2ish weeks to get there, stopping in AL, LA, TX, AR, UT and CO. PFMan will meet us out west for a 10 day California Adventure, then the kids and I will head back. I CAN’T wait!! And cross our fingers for Vienna/Paris for the Holidays.

Now I realize this is super loaded, these are just top priorities, which change, we tend to be indecisive at best, or as I like to say, Perfectly Flawed. Some things may not happen, others may be added, but at the end of the day or year, it will all be another super adventure, surrounded by my PFFamily and that makes me smile.

Happy New Year everyone!
Buon Anno!
Ein glückliches neues Jahr!
Feliz año nuevo!
Bonne année!

As we get ready to leave this afternoon to spend the Christmas Holiday with my parents in Yonkers, NY, I sit here remembering last Christmas. We were sill in the St. Petersburg house and it was one of the very few years since the kids were born that we’d spent the Holiday’s at home. It was nice being home for the holiday’s, our kitties rummaging through all the ripped up paper and ribbon, Santa coming to our house, being able to decorate and enjoy it the whole season through.

This year, we are now in a new home in Bradenton, a beautiful new home in the country. We’ve decorated and so far the kitties haven’t taken to the tree, not even Harry, the new baby. We’ve booked the pet sitter and are flying into NY tonight, tomorrow we’ll be walking around NYC, high 50′s and sunny, should be very comfortable. Chance of snow this year is slim, rain is forecast instead, so now it’s all up to the temperatures. We get to visit my sister’s new house on top of a hill in New Jersey. She says they have deer in the yard almost daily:-). She’s in a serious relationship with a wonderful man from Norway, so a big Norwegian feast is to be had on Christmas Eve. Really looking forward to this! Love experiencing new cultures. Mema & Pop Pop get to spend time with the kiddo’s, and we get to see nana. There will be antipasti, a trip to Arthur Avenue for an Italian Dinner, Eggplant Parmigiana for Christmas dinner, Michael will make is yummy brie and prosciutto French toast, Christmas movies and….

For now, some images from Christmas 2010.

Well it’s been almost a month since I posted. Lot’s happening with still getting settled, Thanksgiving, a family cruise (early X-mas gift) and now getting ready for heading to NY for Christmas. Wow. It certainly doesn’t feel like the holidays here in Florida, it’s still in the upper 70′s, low 80′s most days and humid. UGH. NY’s 40′s will be welcome for the week we’ll be there and then I’ll be happy to get back to our very moderate temperatures, ha!

I’ve been playing the Sounds of the Season non-stop, we’ve been watching holiday movies, most gifts are ready. My son is 10 this year and his list is short and pricey. An I-pod touch and this AR Drone flyer thingy at Brookstone. It’s $300! I think a lesson is coming for him this year, we got him a $50 gift certificate instead of the whole thing. He can use X-mas money and other savings for the rest. Will he be upset, yes. Hopefully it won’t ruin everyone’s day.

We’ll see.

Times Up!

This has been my Sunday 5 minute Stream of Consciousness.

Want to try it? Here are the rules…

* Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
* Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
* Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
* Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
* Link up your post at all.things.fadra.
* Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

The evening before last I attended a Tea organized by a friend who’s passionately developing her Life Coaching career. Really an incredible woman! There were six of us in attendance and Rosemary opened up the floor for each of us to speak about something in our lives right now that we’re celebrating or working through, personally or professionally. Well can I just say that this opened up THE Box for me. You know the one. It was just that being in this room with these other amazing woman, in this non-judgmental space, it was a safe place to release, and it was long overdue and only the tip of the iceberg, I’m in for a really long and difficult process of self love. Truly I’m completely uncomfortable with myself, why? Why can’t I just be ok with me? Why is it so difficult for us to love ourselves? Because I believe this lack of self-love is the base for how I react to all other people and this has caused me much anxiety in my life and is currently creeping into areas of my life it has NO business being.

So last evening PFMan and I took a long walk with a bottle of wine around our most amazing new property and talked about this, about our love of travel and where we see ourselves in the future. Yet another release happened within me. We hadn’t really talked in a while, mostly due to my walls and also because we’ve both been so busy and our lives hectic. It’s so important to make time to nurture the relationships we cherish, they’re like a baby animal, they need to be tended to, not forgotten about or they will suffer.

So today, I feel better, but that doesn’t mean I can just now go on and forget about me, I have to continue to work on myself everyday a little bit at a time, and of course be ok knowing that this process is ongoing, to be patient about results. Ha:-)!

For now, today, I see the light!

Peace!

This morning I opened up Facebook and one of the first posts I saw was from a high school friend. She had linked to video of Eddie Vedder (of Pearl Jam) singing Black. This got me on a music/Eddie Vedder/ U2 (my favorite band) kick. See, music has always been a large part of my life. I’d lock myself in my room and listen to the same songs over and over again until I had every lyric memorized. U2 I hold especially dear to me, as they did a lot of hand holding during my teenage years. Seriously, they got me through that crazy time of adolescence. Anyway, I’ve always really listened to lyrics, some songs are more relatable than others. One of my favorites I came across this morning is Society by Eddie Vedder, pull it up if you’ve never heard it. Also by Eddie Vedder, Breathe. I’m leaving you with the lyrics, very moving!

Just Breathe Lyrics:

Yes I understand that every life must end, aw huh
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw huh
I’m a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love

Some folks just have one,
Others they got none, aw huh

Stay with me
Let’s just breathe.

Practiced are my sins,
Never gonna let me win, aw huh
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh
Yeh, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world
To make me bleed.

Stay with me
You’re all I see.

Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see
No one knows this more than me
As I come clean

I wonder everyday
as I look upon your face, aw huh
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave

Did I say that I need you?
Oh, Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see

No one know this more than me.
As I come clean

Nothing you would take everything you gave.
Hold me till I die
Meet you on the other side

Times Up!

This has been my Sunday 5 minute Stream of Consciousness.

Want to try it? Here are the rules…

* Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
* Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
* Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
* Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
* Link up your post at all.things.fadra.
* Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.